Waiting on God

Waiting on God
Waiting on God

Waiting on God’s Timing

I wanted to share this devotional specifically for the one who is waiting for children. This is actually my testimony and honestly one of my prized possessions because it’s my proof of God’s unfailing love for me. Whether you are husbands or wives, waiting on children is especially difficult. We were in that same season of waiting for twelve years.

Let me preface this by saying what I’m about to tell you doesn’t mean you’ll definitely have children. The lesson I want to share with you that took me twelve years to learn is that God’s plan is good. Whatever it is.

We tried for twelve years to have our own child. At first, the delay wasn’t a big deal. Sometimes it takes a little longer to conceive and that’s fine. But soon, the waiting grew tiring. And everyone around us was having children. Even “oh my gosh, we weren’t even trying!” Those were my favorite (they were not my favorite, just to clarify my sarcasm). I found myself growing jealous and angry.

How Could You Do This To Me?

Have you ever yelled at God? Don’t worry, He’s a big boy, He can handle it. I remember thinking, “God, you can do anything! Why are you letting this happen to me?! Why are you rubbing my nose in literally everyone else’s success and then leaving me without children?!” I was so angry with God.

Worse yet, my husband and I had finally gotten to a place where we said we were done trying to conceive. That we would stop and enjoy each other and then pray about adoption. And do you know, “it” happened.

You hear it all the time… “We stopped trying and BOOM! It happened!” I was pregnant. And for ten amazing weeks I allowed myself the wonder of imagining little feet and little hands, beautiful blue eyes and soft baby skin. For ten weeks. And then I miscarried.

I. Let. God. Have. It.

How in the world could You do this to me?! Why would You do this to me?! This is just cruel! Who would do this?!!

I fell completely apart. I don’t remember much about the holidays as I sputtered through on fumes. But after Christmas, my husband and I had a serious talk. And it stemmed around the fact that as devastating as that miscarriage was, it was a sign that my body was actually able to start the process. That was the first definitive sign we had ever seen in about eleven years.

The Doors Started Opening

So, we decided cautiously that we would try seeking professional medical help one last time. I knew that getting in to see a specialist would take about 8-10 weeks so I wasn’t holding my breath when I called to make the appointment. It went something like this:

Me: Hi, I would like to schedule a new patient consult.
Dr. Office: Certainly! Let me see what we have available. Our appointments are all booked until end of February (two months out).
Me: That’s fine, I-
Dr. Office: Oh wait, I just now had a cancellation. Can you be here tomorrow afternoon at 2pm?
Me: Uh, yeah!

Now, at this point, I will not acknowledge that God had anything to do with that door being flung wide open. Nope. Staying cautious. Not getting my hopes up.

Fast forward to “tomorrow afternoon at 2pm” and we are promptly ushered into the doctor’s private office. We chat about our history, what other doctors have hypothesized, etc. The specialist comes up with a plan of how we are going to test everything to see what the solution/ work-around will be.

(Teeny bit of TMI alert…stay with me) Once she laid out the plan, she said, “Now, none of this can happen right now because we have to do these baseline tests on day 3 of your menstrual cycle so we’ll have to wait a month.”

Um…I’m on day 3 today, actually.

And so, we began our infertility treatment journey right then with door after door being flung wide open. We decided to go the route of IVF (which I know is a touchy subject and there’s a whole “that’s not Biblical” mentality some of you may have…sorry. No conviction of it here and I’m not going to debate it at all.)

Give Your Plan to God

Fast-forward to the day of embryo implantation. Everything up to this point has been easy. Now, I say easy…there were some hiccups, but nothing that caused this phenomenal plan to go awry other than a month delay to allow my body to recover from ovarian hyper stimulation. (Side note: ouch!)

I had a stinging feeling in my heart that I needed to get right with God. I had been angry and though I didn’t leave Him, I was mean and inpatient. So, I asked God to forgive me and then I asked Him for the most unselfish thing I have ever or could ever ask Him.

I got down onto my knees beside my bed and said to God, “Lord, you said in your Word ‘Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4).’ So if this isn’t what you have planned for me, for us, then please, please take away this desire for me to have children. Because it hurts too bad and I don’t want to feel like this anymore.”

I gave up my plan to God. And that was hard. But I think that’s what He was waiting for me to do. Stubborn me, took eleven years to give it up but I did. And I was instantly filled with peace. Everything would be alright, no matter what happened.

I Heard His Voice

At the doctor’s office were our beautiful 5-day old embryos ready for me and I was ready for them. The implantation went smoothly and I went to the bathroom to change back into my clothes when I was struck by the clearest “sound” of words from Romans 8:28 that spoke to my soul:

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”

Not ten days later, we found out we were expecting our first baby.

Psalm 27:13-14 says, “I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living! Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!” Romans 12:12 says, “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.”

I wish I had these verses then so I could cling to them. I wish I had learned how to let go of my own plans earlier. But God’s plan is best. His timing is good. My submission to His plan yielded joy because His plan was good.

Your journey may not end the way ours did, but the take-away here is to surrender your plans to God. His plan for you is so much greater than you can ever imagine because “…weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning” (Psalm 30:5).

Joy will come for you. Guaranteed.

Wait on God.