Funny story…true story.
I was getting ready for work one morning and everyone else in the house was still asleep. I quietly fixed my hair, made a travel mug of coffee and tip toed my workbag and purse out to my car.
I opened up the trunk to see that there was a diaper bag and some kids toys that I immediately transferred to the other car so Dad and kids would have what they needed if they went out. I flung the diaper bag over my shoulder and when the bag hit my hip, I started to feel a little chill. Something in the bag must’ve leaked- maybe a juice box? I brought the bag into the house to clean it up and assess my now-dirty work pants. As I patted around the bottom, there was no wetness anywhere. As I looked down at my hip area, there was no wetness.
I swear I felt something cold and wet. I thought I did…maybe I was going crazy. I started to walk back outside when I felt the chill again. And the chill moved!
I tried my absolute hardest not to panic while also trying my hardest not to scream and wake up the entire household. I began swatting repeatedly at the source of the cold, thinking this must be a cockroach of something equally disgusting. (BLEH!!!) Once I felt like I had beat the ever loving crap out of this creature, I grabbed a fistful of that area so I could see what invader I had just killed and with my other hand I clumsily undid my pants and pulled them down a bit. When I released the fisted hand…
OH. MY. WORD….
I silent screamed as I saw the biggest, confused, banged up lizard look up at me before he jumped onto the floor and scurried under the refrigerator.
I had a lizard crawl up my freaking pant leg, y’all. In my pants. A lizard. And now he’s under my refrigerator…in my house.
I pull my pants back up so I could run upstairs to my sleeping husband- my Knight in Shining Armor. I don’t think in a million years he ever expected to be awakened by a freaked out wife saying to him that a lizard had crawled up her pants and when she pulled her pants down, that lizard jumped down and ran under the fridge. As I told him this and as he was coming to a bit more, he began smiling as he assessed the hilarity of the situation.
No time for laughing, you have a lizard to catch! Fortunately, we had a big fish net from our aquarium. Try to imagine a man in his shorts, holding a large green rectangular fish net and slowly sneaking up on a lizard who’s flinching and preparing to bolt.
The lizard was poking his head out of the front of the fridge and my husband decided to sweep from back to front to flesh the lizard out. It worked but the lizard started freaking out a bit as he was deciding where to run to next. Husband began swatting at the lizard with the net while the lizard scattered back and forth in confusion. The net landed on the lizard who began jumping around and trying to escape. As my husband tried to figure out how to get the lizard into the net to move it outside, something inside of me clicked and I grabbed the lizard through the netting. I mean I grabbed it! I picked up the lizard with the net still all around him and ran it all outside. The lizard was fighting his way free the entire time and I barely got outside when he broke free and jumped down to his freedom.
I HAD A LIZARD IN MY PANTS!
How in the world am I supposed to function as a human being today?! What’s the protocol here? Can I call in sick to work today? Due to emotional trauma?!
Oh my word…