I really wanna be normal…

b1855742f12aacd1c30d7d78406e91e3It’s amazing what is unearthed in the normal, ordinary things of life. Who would’ve thought that the simple planning and inviting of friends to boy child’s birthday party would bring out the insecure, lonely high schooler that apparently still dwells deep inside of me?!

I know this of myself…I am in introvert. For me, this is the lovely combination of being witty and creative but actually becoming physically drained to be in the presence of others. So my talents are either unnoticed or I have to awkwardly push them on to people who may be too busy to really care and appreciate or who don’t seem interested in me at all.

As an introvert, this causes me to spend the last bit of energy I have (left over from the draining experience of interacting with others) over-analyzing why no one cares about or appreciates me, as irrational as that may be. I wonder what I’ve said or done to make people not interested in me as a person because no one is naturally drawn to me. I see casual interactions all around me and it looks effortless and natural.

So if it’s that easy…then it must be something I’ve said or done wrong that keeps others from showing any sign of interest or investment in me.

Yeah…I have issues. And I certainly don’t want to pass this crap on to my kids.

So, despite feeling like other people simply humor me with small talk when there’s no exit strategy they can utilize without being straight-up rude to me, I will continue to do things that are so uncomfortable and draining to me.

Socialization is apparently a very natural thing, so even though it’s physically exhausting to me I will do it for my kids. I will chat with people after church, I will sign up to help with programs, I will contribute to events, I will show up to optional activities…all of which is so very tiring for me. I want them to see what “normal” interactions look like. I want them to see that communication with others is natural and I want them to see what investment in relationships looks like.

So I will even invite friends to my child’s birthday party…even if it spurs on irrational thoughts of why someone declined to come. I can somewhat deal with people not liking me, but I can’t stand the thought of people not finding value or worth in my kids. Birthday parties are light, fun, celebratory events…simple as that.

There is a strand of people out there who want to have friends but have the issue of socialization exhaustion. It sounds goofy, but it’s real.

I just wish people understood this…


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